Brent's Post-Trial Recap

Normally I'll just link to and/or post brief excerpts of other peoples' blog posts on my blog...but this post is so directly relevant to what 'Silence of the Chinchillas' is all about that I feel compelled to poach the whole thing.

So, hopefully Brent doesn't mind...if he does, well, he can always pull a Roecker and file a copyright complaint with Blogger (joking!). Here it is:

February 28, 2009
DEFLATED
I feel completely and utterly deflated right now.

I arrived at the airport early for my flight home from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Almost 2 hours early. And in little airports like these, it takes 10 minutes to check in and get through security.

While it may appear to be a hasty departure, the truth is . . . I’m not sure all of me is ready to put the polishing touches on this chapter of my life. I feel so . . . Unfulfilled. Like a spirit lingering and longing to carry out unfinished business.

I’ve been in Pennsylvania giving my testimony and telling my story. Yesterday culminated two years of cooperation as a primary witness in the murder trial of Bryan Kocis, owner and operator of Cobra Video. SO much has happened and so many things race through my mind that I know I just simply don’t have the organizational or communication skills to even begin to accurately convey what I have been through in all of this.

Often times, I sit back and I wonder what the percentage is of my readers and fans that even have any clue that I’ve toiled with this predicament. Did you know? I know there was plenty online to busy yourself with regarding the trial and all the initial suspicions. I have (almost) always directly avoided making statements about the investigation on my blog.

A recap is necessary. I’ve known that for a very long time now. I put the notion of it on layaway until after the trial becuse I didn’t want my current statements to affect the investigation or trial proceedings. Believe me, this whole thing has been complicated enough without me adding more to the record!

Much like Bryan’s personal home and residence, my world went up in smoke and flames when he was killed. People love to think I had everything to gain and I had the most obvious motive to do this or be involved in this. The truth is, that’s delusional and completely detached from reality. When Bryan was killed, everything in my world crumbled to my feet. All my plans, hopes and aspirations were put on hold until I could get a grip of the situation.

I was stripped of all credibility in the eyes of most people.

I got through it. Mostly with the brace and support of Grant. He was the thread and I was the needle. I have always persevered and in many cases, I’ve done it all on my own. Grant has been the only constant in all of this. While he was instrumental in getting me where I am today - through two companies, a civil suit that lasted a year, launching a mainstream career, and now a murder investigation - it was my resolve and refusal to let the world at large stamp me out.

Why do I feel so deflated? Because for the last 5 years, I’ve been puffing and puffing myself up to get bigger, stronger and better. For the last 5 years, I’ve been bracing myself hard against the world. And it all seems to have culminated now with the passing of my day on the witness stand.

Oh sure, there were a few nice breaks over the last 2 years, but the truth is . . . until I was able to finally get up on that stand and make my statements, this would always be looming.

And now that it’s over, I can finally afford to relieve some of the steam and pressure that has built up inside of me. I can finally, truly and honestly look to the future and know it’s wide open from here.

Lots of damage has been done, however. All those who persecuted me and insisted I had everything to do with Bryan’s death; they will never come forward and admit they were wrong. All those ‘publications’ and web portals that reported on it in the beginning, implementing Grant and me will never correct their assumptions. A couple have even altogether ignored the trial.

One thing all this has finally made me realize is . . . I need to let past be just that. Even though I have everything to look forward to now, I find myself wanting to write and fixate on all that went wrong. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t do anyone any good. If those that were in the wrong can’t take responsibility for it on their own then nothing can be mended and it’s best to just move on.

I do want to share my inside views on what it’s like to be involved in a case like this. I’ll write that now, and share it after the trial. I’ll try my best to keep cynicism out of it, but I guess I’ve always just sort of . . . been this way.

I’ve had a lot of extremely tough breaks. Yet, I’ve been very fortunate in many other ways. In all earnest, I’m growing tiresome of living this extraordinary life. It’s time for me to just settle down and make a little porn. If mainstream is in the cards for me then I’ll rise to the challenge.

But for now, I’m tired. I’m going to get on a plane, go back to San Diego and live in my new home. First thing Sunday morning, I get right now to it. I have have Brent Corrigan’s Big Easy to finalize! But before that, we’ve released Summit Director’s Cut. It will be onward and upward, as it ever was for me. Even if I caught a few snags on along the way as I ascend.

Posted at 2:25 pm in: Day 2 Day Stuff