My challenge was to write a parody of this theory. But how does one parody a theory that is, in effect, already pretty much a self-parody of itself?
With difficulty, that's how. It wasn't easy, but I came up with a plan: AaronAid! Orginally conceived as a a three-part series, only two were ever completed...a third, alas, never went further than an outline.
AaronAid Part One (posted July 19, 2007 7:09 PM)
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Well I think this is just terrible. Here is Brent and Grant being accused of working secretly with Aaron and bb, to murder Bryan. Well call me crazy, but I just KNOW in heart they are innocent!
And besides...they are INNOCENT UNTIL PROOVEN GUILTY! (Yes I read this in a blog somewhere...now whose was it again???) Hence, what right have you Elm, to level such serious accusation! None! Because they are I.U.P.G.!
A feel I need to help these four, who I feel have been unjustly accused of a heinous crime. What should I do?
Well, first I'm starting up a MySpace page: www.myspace.com/fourwronglyaccusedbyelmysterio.
And second...I hereby announce the formation of a NEW legal defense fund! Now, Brent and Grant already have BrentAid. We know this. So, I'm not going to worry about those two. They are covered.
Soooo, with great fanfare (do do do DOOOO!), I would like to announce the formation of...
AaronAid !!!!!!
Here's the pitch (to be posted atop www.freeaaronandbb.com):
"Folks, Aaron (and bb) have been accused of a crime they did not commit. By Elm. And as a result...they might get raided by SWAT team, and arrested, and have all their assets frozen...you never know these days! And if that happens their legal bills will be out of control. Without your help, they'll have to rely on Cad for long-distance pro-bono work.
"Aaron is a sweet, fun-loving guy, who could have NEVER commited this crime. And bb...eh, well...ok bb and me have not exactly seen eye to eye on a couple issues in the past...but STILL, it is my sworn duty, as citizen JIM, to see to it that everyone in this land is I.U.P.G.!"
And there you have it, folks...AaronAid is born! As soon as I set up the web sites, order the hats and tee shirts...whew, much work ahead of me here...
Oh one last little detail. Money donated to AaronAid will go exclusively to legal fees...and, if needed, kidney replacement surgery.
Eh, you never know! One of them might have kidney failure during this legal ordeal, and I think allowing for this possibility is a prudent measure.
So! This means that, if by chance I spend the donations on kidney surgery rather than legal expenses (mj), no one (mj) has the right to complain (mj) because I just ***explicitly*** spelled out (mj) in my appeal (mj) that the funds could be used in this manner (MJ!). Now is everyone clear on that? (mj mj mj mj mj mj mj...)
AaronAid Part Two (posted July 20, 2007 1:10 PM)
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OK, back to serious matters now...about two innocent boys, unjustly accused...
*****AaronAid Update!!!*****
OK fellow Aaron supporters...the "Free Aaron (and bb)" tee shirts are ON ORDER! Yay!
Yes indeedy, my Free Aaron campaign is rolling on! A friend recommended this clothing store out in San Diego to me, and after speaking on the phone to a very helpful Sales Lad over there, we'll have shirts soon. wOOt!
Now, I cannot heap enough praise on this helpful and kindly Sales Lad. As you can see by this transcript I recorded...he went the extra mile for us here...kudos to him!:
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Sales Lad: "American Apparel, can I help you?"
jim: "YES! I need 1000 cotton tee shirts, with the logo "Free Aaron (and bb)" silkscreened on them. Stat! Delivered with the next 24 hours, please."
SL: (long pause) "...OK, who the @#$% is this?!..."
jim: "My name is jim and I'm on a moral crusade to defend two boys, falsely accused of a heinous crime they did not commit, committed by someone else, who was not them."
SL: (another curiously long pause) "...I see."
jim: "And they are needed to raise money for their legal defense fund."
SL: "Uh huh. Could I...um...put you on hold for a sec?"
[30 minutes of elevator muzak]
SL: "I'm back, sorry for the wait..."
jim: "That's OK, I sure you must be busy over there."
SL: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I sold over $1,300 worth of clothing last weekend alone...but thats neither here nor there. No, the reason for the long hold is I had to make a special call to the factory, and yes, I was able to place your order."
jim: "WOW thats super!"
SL: "Er yes, well, the only thing is, our factory was fresh out of cotton."
jim: "Really? Thats too bad. So what are they..."
SL: "...Made of? Burlap."
jim: "Burlap?"
SL: "Yeah burlap. And thats the other little thing too...they're not exactly shirts per se,...they're potato sacks. With a head hole cut in the bottom, and two arm holes in the side..."
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Anyways, long story short...thanks to this helpful Sales Lad, "Free Aaron (and bb)" shirts (okay, potato sacks) are on the way! : )
I'll be sure to keep you all updated with new Free Aaron developments, as soon as I think of them...
AaronAid Part Three (never got off the drawing board)
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In a nutshell, the outline of Part Three was as follows:
1. T-Shirts (ok, ok...potato sacks) get delivered.
2. Announce formation of the Free Aaron Blog. Moderated by "Bee." All are welcomed to comment! No viewpoints turned away!
3. Someone posts they did not like Aaron's performance in "Every Bareboned Schoolboy's Dream XVII."
4. "GODDDAMMIT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FORUM SUPPORTING AARON! GO TO HELL YOU MISERABLE WORM! FOAD! OH AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME POSTING IN ALL CAPS...FUCK YOU AND YO MAMA TOO!!!..." etc..
5. "Bee" is announced on a leave of absence from blog moderating duties, is replaced by "The Cherub of Veracity."
6. The Cherub announces a huge victory! The State has agreed to return a ball of lint from siezed from Aaron's washer-dryer; this is clearly a sign that the case vs. Aaron is weak.
7. etc...
...and this is as far as I got. I scrapped plans to complete it; it was not funny enough, IMO.
4 comments:
Jim--
Thanks for the laughs. I needed them. Perhaps, the sequeal will bring in the Black Helicopters for that high tech and cloak and dagger edge.
Those were some of your best and that was after your long absence. So now you've gone from not commenting at all to actually being a blogger. Brynawel was considering making a collection of the Best of Jim. This will make it much easier.
Uh I loved Aaron Aid and that call to American Apparel well I think the real call would have turned out just that way!
Hey Jim that post makes me feel like people might be listening and that you might feel a little threatened.
You eally should not because it was all supposition. just a fun little thing that I did and the whole black helicopter thing was thrown in for good measure.
But you all for got about the guys in the black Chevy suburbans and the bad dark suits. Come on get with the program if you are going to make me look bad you have to better than that.
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